I stopped reaching for love when it stopped reaching for me.

And found me in the process. A story for the mid-life woman.

I’ve been doing lots of contemplation lately. Contemplation and talking to other women who are at that mid-point in life.

Women in their late 40's - mid 50’s. Kids grown up - or almost. Single, divorced, married, coupled up, separated, looking - and everything in between. At that mid-point where the kids have left home or they too, are at that midpoint. Living at home but doing their own thing, whether that’s University, College or working full time.

Living at home, independent to a point, but still needing Mama at times too.

It can be a time where some women grieve the times when their children were little. The cosiness, the love, the simplicity of that time. Now their children are older; taller, broader, deeper voices, curves, lashes and strong opinions.

It’s the in between …..

And in that space a lot of women start thinking. Where am I in all of this?

I’m generalising here, but many women (Mothers), sacrifice a lot for their kids. Job opportunities, relationships, travel, where they’d like to live, money, time, hobbies. Not sacrifice in a martyr like way. Not in a ‘look what I’ve done for you!’ way (not the healthy Mothers, anyway. I know there are some toxic parents out there who do pull that card on their kids - and that is never, ever ok).

But they just do it because… it’s what Mother’s do. I don’t know who wrote that rule book. It seems to arrive at the same time as the baby’s head crowns. Here’s your baby! Here’s the guilt of parenthood. Don’t screw it up …..

And invariably we do. With all the best of intentions, the highest ideals and the hopiest of hopes, we still screw up. We’re human too.

Through the sleepless nights, tears, cleaning up vomit and poo, tackling school issues, comforting them when their friends or boyfriends/girlfriends break their hearts, supporting them with hospital visits, being a 24/7 cash dispensary, on call taxi driver, therapist, cook, cleaner and number one supporter - Mum, Mom, Mama and hopefully, but not always, Dad too - are there.

So, when the roles start changing, it can start those thoughts spinning. Who am I, if I’m not needed as Mother 24/7? Where am I? What do I do now? Where do I go? What do I want??

Sometimes the arrival of this time coincides with Menopause. That in itself is a life changing journey. When those two life events collide … buckle up!

Often many women reach realizations at this time. The looking back begins, and the years ahead are fewer than those left behind. For women who are over givers, nurturers, healers and empaths, motherhood is even more taxing.

Rewarding yes. But those women overextend themselves even beyond the usual reach of parenting. So, there can a reckoning. A, ‘hang on, what about me?’ moment. There can be a desire for the kids to hurry up and adult already.

Especially for single mothers who have had to be both Mom and Dad, often for years. It’s exhausting. These women - although they love their kids beyond words - are ready for their life now. They can see where they’ve been pouring out so much love and effort, not just to their kids, but to partners, perhaps elderly parents, friendships, their career … they turn the tap and oh…nothing comes out of the faucet.

It can be a sobering time. Everyone else is hunky and dory and Mum’s a wrung-out shadow of her former self. Not for everyone of course, but for some women, this is the reality.

There is a gift in this. Realizing that now, while you still love your kids and would do anything for them, that you matter too. And it’s your time. Perhaps you need to say no more instead of yes. Perhaps you have to make some hard decisions that the kids/adults won’t like, but it will bring YOU joy.

That’s ok. You can hold both things at once. The love for your kids, AND the love for yourself.

This is a journey I’ve been on. Menopause and my kids at that almost leaving home stage have made me take stock. It’s been sobering and not always pretty. But it’s made me sit up and think. Re-evaluate where I so freely give of my love, care and attention, and if it’s in my best interests to do so.

It’s ok to give if we have the capacity to do it. It’s also ok NOT to, if we don’t. That’s the lesson. Giving should always be done freely, not to get something in return. However, if we find that we are the one who is ALWAYS giving more and getting crumbs in return? Well, that’s not in our best interests, really, is it.

Perhaps it’s a one-sided friendship. A work situation where you do more than your fair share of work and don’t get any extra pay or recognition for it. Maybe it’s being the one who initiates all the time with a partner, friends, or family members, and if you don’t, the relationships stumble.

That leads to depletion, resentment, overwhelm and unhappiness.

Ultimately, happiness is an inside job. Yeah yeah, I know that’s an annoying phrase, but it is true at the end of the day. We are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. No one else is responsible for ours.

Recognizing that we’re directing too much outward instead of inward, can be the start of a rewarding new relationship - with ourselves.

It’s not selfish. It’s necessary. If not now, when? You are allowed to prioritize your happiness. I’m not saying at the expense of others. There is a difference.

Sometimes we seek love from others because we’re trying to fill a void inside ourselves. So, we pour, pour, pour into everyone else. And deplete, deplete, deplete us.

Today I invite you, not to stop loving others, but to include yourself. Not only include yourself, love yourself, first. Paradoxically, when you love yourself more, others start to love you more, too. You’ve got this.

In wellness, Kirsty xo